


Read Across America Day

by IncurablePeppermint



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Awkward Crush, Episode Related, F/F, Specifically V for Valentinedetta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-13 19:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16024163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncurablePeppermint/pseuds/IncurablePeppermint
Summary: After the Valentine's day incident Tina has erotic friend-fiction writers block and finds herself unable to properly daydream her way through math classes.





	1. Butts are Nothing to Me

Tina sits in front of her collection of friend-fiction and tries to pick one out she’s interested in reading over again. She’s had trouble with it lately. Tina x Jimmy Pesto Jr. x Jonas but Jonas is a zombie with only one arm so he can’t be a jerk about his melodica anymore because he can’t play it alone. Tina x Nathan on a horse-farm that they own and they’ve bred pink and blue into the horses manes. Tina x… No. Nothing. She hasn’t even felt much need to _write_ this stuff anymore.

Well, no, she’s written a little bit. They were weird for her, though. Not really butt-focused or boy-focused or written with a purpose. She opens an unlabeled notebook and chews the cap of her pen. Between words that have been scribbled out and tiny, unskilled margin-drawings of horses is a description of Becky Krespe. Just a description of her and nothing else. She’s gotten her braces off, recently. She’s got soft hands. Her hair is cushy and wavy like lines of sheared wool.

“Ow.”

She accidentally bites her tongue while chewing the pen-cap. It was only last week when she couldn’t enjoy her valentines day because Jimmy Jr. decided to take Becky on a date instead of her. But Jimmy was a jerk to both of them, really. To every girl, all the time, really. Tina has found that her fiction involving Jimmy Jr. has been slowly moving away from her favorites shelf and into the closet-box, where she usually keeps only failed writings or crushes that have totally passed.

Maybe her crush _has_ finally passed. She leans her face on a hand and stares out the window. After so long, after years of pining and hundreds of daydreamed kisses, maybe she just doesn’t like him anymore. Almost zombie-like, Tina moves from her desk to her bed and splays out to look up at the ceiling. It feels like the end of an era. Like a show she always waited for updates on finally got a finale, but it wasn’t a satisfying finale.

She groans. She grabs a pillow and turns onto her side to hug it close to her belly. What is she supposed to do with the day if she’s not got a crush to keep her occupied? She should’ve known this was coming. The boxed friend-fictions, her lack of ability to daydream about Jimmy Jr. during math, the way she doesn’t feel a flutter in her chest when he passes by anymore. It’s all because he had to go and be a big jerk!

But that’s not all of it or else she’d be able to read her other fictions. She wrote and read her fictions about Jonas after _he_ was a jerk and zombies after getting scared by that age inappropriate movie and crawling into bed with Louise for comfort. There’s got to be something else going on and she has to figure it out or at the very least she won’t be able to tune out boring school lectures.

There has to be someone with the right experience for this kind of problem. Mom and Dad don’t really like her talking about her friend-fiction in public or private, so that’s a no. Gene is still on his field trip. Louise will make gagging noises at her, but maybe she’ll help afterwards. Tina sits up and pounds her fist into her hand determinedly, then fixes her glasses on her face and slips off the bed to go find her sister.

It doesn’t take long, she’s sitting on the couch watching television. She doesn’t seem particularly interested, though. In fact, when Tina steps in she clicks the television off with the remote and clasps her hands over her stomach. “You’ve finally come to me for advice, hmm?” she asks, doing her best impression of a mob boss, “You need me, Tina? Need my help?”

Tina finds herself suddenly nervous. “I uh… Well, yeah. Were you expecting me or something?” Louise laughs dryly, then nods.

“Of course, Tina. A girl knows her sister.”

“What do you…? How do you…?” Tina starts to hyperventilate before Louise comes over and puts a hand on her back.

“Whoa, whoa, Tina. I’m just messing with you.”

“Why were you expecting me, then?” Tina asks, starting to calm down a little.

“Well that Valentines day thing wasn’t long ago at all and since I go through your room when you’re away I know you’ve been tossing a bunch of your gross zombie butt writing into that box in your closet.”

“Okay, alright. Okay.” She takes a moment to groan, then takes a breath. So quickly the words merge together, Tina says, “I can’t read or write or think about Jimmy Jr. anymore because he was such a big jerk but that doesn’t make sense because I still write about all kinds of jerks, so many jerks. I just make the jerks zombies so they’re less of a jerk or write the jerk out of them so they aren’t a jerk when I think about them! But this is different, this is weird! I haven’t been able to write any fiction since Valentines day!” She puts a hand on her chest, “That actually just felt good to get out, I think I’m okay now.”

Louise puts a hand in front of Tina, stopping her from leaving the room. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tina. You’ve been writing in your journals, I’ve seen you. And heard you. You make a weird noise, like… A _really_ weird noise.” Tina thinks for a moment, then nods.

“Well, I’ve been _trying_ to write, but nothing is happening. Like, I get to a description of someone but nothing else, no meat.”

“No butts.”

“Yeah, no butts.”

“That is weird for you. Usually you _only_ write the meat, or that’s what I got when you read your work out loud for school.” Louise thinks for a moment, then goes to the home phone and types in a number. “Hey, you got some free time? Yeah, yeah I got the stuff. It’ll be free if you can help me out with something. Alright, meet me here.” She hangs up and then heads for her room, Tina following.

“What was that?”

“That? That was the sound of you _owing_ me.” Louise grabs a shoebox out from under her bed and it shakes a little. She tucks it under her arm and motions for Tina to follow her downstairs, then she sits down on the stoop outside their front door to wait. Tina stands beside her awkwardly, hovering a little.

“Okay but what’s in the box, you can tell me that, right?”

“Feral hamsters.”

“That makes sense. Oh, wait. No, it doesn’t. Why do you have hamsters?”

“ _Feral_ hamsters,” Louise repeats, “And they’re for putting in a meter maid’s car later. You’ll probably have to help with that.”

“How will this help me with my problem?”

“It won’t, it’s just hilarious.”

“Darnit Louise, tell me what this is about.”

“Language, Tina. I’m getting you advice from someone who is more worldly than myself.”

“Who?”

A pink limousine pulls up and parks haphazardly in front of the two girls. The window rolls down to reveal Nat’s somewhat familiar face. “You got the goods, Louise? Stephanie has really been annoying me with this whole spiel about how you can’t only pay on one meter if you park your limousine across four parking spots. I’m only parking one car!”

Louise walks over and hands the box to Nat through the open window, then heads to the back and opens the door, climbing in. She motions for Tina to join her, who does after a nervous groan. Nat peeks into the box then hurriedly closes. “Oh yeah, those are some primo hamsters Louise. Ya did good. Now what is it you needed?”

“Tina doesn’t have a crush on Jimmy Jr. anymore.”

“That big jerk with the speech impediment? Of course not, I dunno why anyone would after that. Is that all?”

“No, no. She writes like… Romance stories, but about her friends. And she can’t do it anymore since this Jimmy Jr. thing happened.”

“Ooh, writers’ block? Tough break, kiddo.”

“Well, I wrote some stuff. Just nothing good.”

“That’s still somethin’, what’ve ya written?”

“I uh… Wrote some descriptions of people. Of Becky Krespe.”

Louise looks over at Tina curiously, “That chick that was on the date with Pesto?”

Nat nods, “Well, of course you wrote about her.”

“So you do know about this? How do I get back to writing and daydreaming and-”

“Whoa, whoa. Hold your ponies, honey. You _are_ writing. You’re just writing about uh… What was her name?”

“Becky Krespe, but if I’m writing about Becky Krespe it’s not erotic friend-fiction and I can’t daydream about it instead of thinking about equations.”

“It’s not erotic? Ya looked at her like my last boyfriend looked at lasagne.”

“What do you mean?”  
“Well, like she’s the last piece of lasagne in the world and it’s your favorite food, that’s what I mean. That’s how you looked at her. I figured that’s why you didn’t end up throwing the stink bombs right away, because you were hiding a crush on her the whole time.”

“Oh yeah. You kinda were, Tina. Like the people in those films mom watches at three am when she thinks no one knows she’s eating frozen yogurt.”

Tina frowns, then clasps her hands and rubs her thumbs together. “You guys really think I looked at Becky like a lasagne? Or like Mom’s yogurt movies?”

Louise and Nat respond in what would be unison, if one of them didn’t says “Totally,” while the other responded, “Definitely.” Tina groans and puts her face in her hands.

“What’s wrong? You got a crush now, that’s what you wanted. I think.” Louise starts to hunt around in the cushions for loose change, which she divides into two piles. “You can write your friend stories and something about math.” Triumphantly, Louise pulls a wrapped piece of candy out of the seats and quickly puts it in her mouth.

“Hey! The deal was we’d go halfsies on everything you find in the seats if you clean them out for me, bunny. Ya can’t just eat the whole candy.”  
“I can too! You get the wrapper, that’s half.”

“Not unless they have the little comics on them it’s not.”

“There’s a knock-knock joke and a picture of a horse.”

“Then you’re off the hook, _this_ time. Next time you owe me a nickel.”

Tina half-watches this unfold for a minute or so. Louise and Nat have both decided that her problem has been solved, but it’s only half-solved. If it’s even solved that much. She likes _Becky Krespe_. She hasn’t liked a girl before and she doesn’t really know what to do in order to pursue this feeling. To write or daydream about it. If she’s supposed to think about boobs or if it’s ok to think about butts or if she’s ever paid attention to Becky’s butt. Becky likes to wear skirts, so that kind of removes the butt aspect. And she doesn’t really have much in the way of boobs. Does that matter? It’s not a butt or a long neck or a lisp attracting Tina to Becky.

“C’mon Tina, Nat has a drunken housewife to pick up in ten minutes, let’s go, go, go.” Louise grabs her sister’s arm to pull her out of the limo. Change and various tiny lost items jingle in her dress pockets as they climb out. “You call me first if you need any animals, you hear me Nat? I better not be your third call next time.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’ve proved your mettle, Bunny. You’re first on the list next time. Have fun with your girlfriend, Tina,” Nat calls before driving off.

Girlfriend. Girlfriend. That sounds nice. Sitting in front of her at a nice restaurant, in her blue dress, with a sweet smile. That was it, the way she was looking at Jimmy Jr. at the restaurant. That’s what did it to Tina, gave her this crush. She looked happy and sweet and all Tina wanted was to make sure she kept smiling like that. Even if it meant she herself had to be sad, had to give up her revenge plan. After that was when she started thinking about Becky Krespe more. About her hands and her hair and how her teeth don’t have metal on them anymore so it wouldn’t be dangerous to kiss her.

 


	2. Just Like in the Yogurt Movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina gets advice on how to confess to her newfound crush

“So, Tina. You want to know how to win a girl’s heart.” Gene spins around in his recently acquired, patched up, rolling office-chair and pushes the keys in for three appropriately dramatic barks on his keyboard. “You’ve come to the right place. I’ve watched at least three-dozen musical romance films only _half_ in a frozen yogurt trance.” He messes with a few knobs, then plays a short melody on his keyboard that now sounds more like a typical piano. “You need a _song_.” He accentuates the word ‘song’ with a little flourishing wave of his hand.

“Do I have to write the song? I don’t think I’ve written a song before. Except-” Tina foregoes the rest of that sentence in lieu of groaning. Except for that weird and embarrassing song about poop from when she was four. Which was really just a rewrite of twinkle twinkle little star. That experience doesn’t exactly make her a proper lyricist.

“It’s okay, I saw the tape. Neither of us have to relive the loss of your big poop.”

“Thank you, Gene.”

“But no, you’re right. I stole all the musical talent for myself. And you can’t have it back! We’ll have to do the next best thing. A grand gesture, preferably on a _holiday_.”

“Like Valentines day.” Tina groans. The romantic holiday season was over. There wasn’t anything she could do with St. Patrick's day except hope that Becky Krespe wasn’t wearing green and act as a human pinch shield or lean in to pinch her and instead caress her cheek. It didn’t matter, there wasn’t a good plan to be had because Becky would definitely wear green. She likes blues and seafoams and mints. Soft colors that reminded Tina of children’s book pictures of mermaids. Maybe there was an obscure mermaid holiday she could do this grand gesture on. Hopefully soon. She can’t risk some other jerk with a hot lisp swooping in to steal Becky away before she got a chance to try wooing her.

By the time Tina finishes her groan Gene has already rolled over to the cat calendar on his wall, a gift from Aunt Gayle, and is hunting for a good day for Tina to sing ABBA or dress as a Shakespearean loverboy. The more Tina mulls it over, the more a grand gesture seems more like a way to get herself embarrassed in public than to actually win Becky over. “Hmm… We missed Chinese New Year. What if we did Read Across _America_ Day?” he asks, putting way more emphasis on ‘America’ than was necessary. “Becky lives in America, she’ll love it.”

“That does seem like pretty sound logic. When is it?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? That’s not enough time to prepare a _gesture_ , what would I do?”

“Give her the friend-fiction you wrote about her! That’s reading _and_ it makes your crush painfully obvious.” His keyboard makes a discordant blast of piano noises as he gets too close to the wall and squishes it a little, pushing the keys down with his belly. He rolls away from the calendar. “There’s nothing else coming up unless you want to dress up as a sexy yet approachable leprechaun.”

“I don’t think I would make a good leprechaun.”

“With those arms? Of course not. You gotta figure something out for tomorrow or you’re waiting ‘till July to make a move.”

“No! She’ll definitely have a boyfriend by then.”

“Because of the braces thing?”

“Yes. No. Because enough time has passed since her bad date that it’s not a rebound anymore and Becky Krespe is a mermaid.”

“If you say so. I’m more of a _sasquatch_ man, myself.”

Tina sighs and taps her foot anxiously. “Do you really think my friend-fiction is the best way to do this? I mean. Dad said I wasn’t supposed to take those notebooks outside of the house again.”

“Of course it is! What else would you do, write a heartfelt note? Put it in a book? Give her the book and say it’s for Read Across America Day, then when she opens the book on her own time she can consider your feelings without making it a public stunt?”

“I… I think I could do that, yeah. That sounds better.”

“Wrong! Wait, no. Right!”

“Thanks Gene. I’m going to go write that letter.”

“It’s no problem. But next time I get stuck in the toilet I expect _immediate_ help.”

Tina heads to her room and sits down at her desk. She still has some stationary from a children’s set Mr. Fischoeder gave her for Christmas last year (he thought being friendly with the ‘offspring’ would make it more likely rent would include a tip). The set is from the knock-off Equestranauts show, Donkeytopolis Sweethearts, but the stationary is as generic as the show itself. The only thing giving it away is the little horseshoes, sorry, _donkey-cloppers_ intertwined with hearts and bubbles. She could just write it on regular paper, but that doesn’t seem right. Becky might just think she left some homework stuffed in the book by mistake. If it’s on stationary, it’s personal.

Also, the paper is a pretty blue. So maybe that in itself will convince Becky that she really means this and even if Becky has only shown interest in boys up until this point, really what’s the harm in trying to date Tina. Especially since Tina saved her from a bad date.

Dear Becky. No, just Becky. No, nothing and then she’ll write becky on the outside of the folded paper so it’s clear that it’s for her to read. She crumples up the first piece of stationary and tosses it, then goes back to her unlabeled notebook. She’ll finish the note, then copy it over. So it looks nicer.

“I was happy to make friends with you on Valentine’s day. I was angry and moping all day and then I saw your face and decided revenge wasn’t worth hurting you. I thought it was just a girl power moment and maybe that’s part of it, but I also just like it when you smile. You remind me of mermaids because of your blue house and your blue clothes and that makes me feel like zombies aren’t the only fantasy species worth looking into. I want to be the one to take you to Nicey Spicey instead of Jimmy Jr. and I want it to be a good time. I won’t change my mind during the date and I can’t think of anyone who would show up with their limo driver to ruin it either, since the only limo driver I know that would want to do that has a deal with my sister about revenge on meter maids. I know your hands are soft because I felt one of them when I tried to pick you up to save you from the stink bombs. I like you. Like-like you.”

“Aw my little Tina, writing a romantic note as loud as she can.”

“Mom! Why were you listening to me?”

Linda walks into Tina’s room with a little shrug, “Well I could hear you in the living room. Hard to have wine and tv movie night with you saying everything you write out loud. So, I just came over to see if you were doin’ alright with your note.”

“I’m doing fine. I just… Need a book to put it in.”

“A book?”

“Gene said I should do a romantic gesture on a holiday and so I’m going to give her a book tomorrow with the note in it.”

“Is it a holiday tomorrow? I haven’t checked the cat calendar today.”

“It’s ‘Read Across America Day’ so if I give her a book it looks like I’m just celebrating but then-”

Gene pops in the doorway just long enough to interrupt with, “Bam! A big love note that smacks her right in the face with _feelings_ ,” before rolling past in his chair.

Linda clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “You’ll need a really good book for that kind of thing. Something special.” She paces back and forth while Tina turns around to put the finishing touches on her copied over note. She folds it over and takes out a scented marker, green apple, and writes ‘BECKY KRESPE’ on it in all caps. “Oh! Didn’t you say she reminded you of mermaids? We’ll get a mermaid book! Come on Tina we’re going to Books and Global before it closes.”

“Doesn’t it close in half an hour?”

“Yeah, and that’ll give us a whole five minutes after we get there to find a book. That’s enough time.”

“I think maybe I should just loan her one of my own books-”

“No! This is a romantic _gesture_! I wanna make sure my Teeny Tina has the perfect book to do it with.”


	3. You Really are a Mermaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina hands over the book and note to Becky Krespe before school starts.

“Wow, Tina. You really went all out for this, huh?” Louise comments with a slight snort as they round the last corner on their trek to school. 

“I  _ know _ , she’s really putting all her eggs in one Becky,” Gene adds.

Tina holds the present for Becky Krespe in front of her. Her mom’s planned trip to Books and Global ended up being a trip to about four different stores. Linda couldn’t just get some random book, it had to be a mermaid book. It couldn’t just be a mermaid book, it had to a pretty mermaid book. It had to be blue. Then she decided they needed to wrap it. Then put the wrapped book in a gift bag with tissue paper (all blue or mint or mermaid themed, of course. Tina’s comments about Becky couldn’t be dismissed as her own strange thought process). Then Linda declared a book without wine is no book at all, but since Becky is too young for wine they picked up a mini bottle of sparkling grape juice and a chocolate bar with dried fruit inside. By the time they got home Tina was ready to pass out and had the distinct feeling that her mother might have been projecting some TV romance movie onto her daughter.

She has been holding in a groan all morning, but she finally lets it loose as her siblings tease her about the present. “I did, or well, Mom did. I don’t know. It’s so over the top. And the only people who care about this stupid holiday are the people who make the cat calendars and Mr. Frond!” She stops in her tracks and grimaces at the frills and glittery scales on the gift bag that make it look like she skinned a real mermaid and commissioned a preschooler to turn the leather into a purse.

“Whoa, whoa. Tina. It’s fine,” Louise assures her.

“What if it isn’t? I can’t just say I left some notes for my friend-fiction in the book accidentally if this goes bad, cause this is a  _ new _ book that I  _ wrapped _ . I don’t have any way to keep myself from being humiliated when she turns me down! And now she has a reason to open everything up right in front of me, it’s in a gift bag. You don’t just walk off with a gift bag!”

“Darn, she’s right about that gift bag. It’s a silent code!” Gene snaps his fingers. 

“Listen, Tina. I’m not… Interested in your love life. I’m really not. But like,” Louise lets out her own groan, then rubs one temple, “You can’t just go in  _ assuming _ she’ll say no.”

“What else am I supposed to assume? I’ve only been her friend for like… Two weeks? And that started because I followed her to a date! She thinks I’m creepy and weird and…”

“And you are! But that hasn’t stopped other people from going on dates from you.”

“Yeah, lean into that creep vibe. I’ve heard it’s trending,” Gene informs her.

“Is it really trending?”

“ _ Maybe _ ! If that book about werewolves, that I  _ definitely _ didn’t read, has anything to say about it,” he adds, “Edwin is  _ super _ creepy, but everyone  _ loves _ him!”

Tina takes a deep breath. “Alright. Yeah. I’m just going to walk right up to her and give it to her and I’ll let her open it right there. It’ll be fine.”

“Ooh, is it someone’s birthday?” Tina flinches as Becky walks up to her and eyes the bag. Louise elbows Gene and the two of them start to walk off.  
“We’ve got to go convince Mr. Frond we don’t know how to read. Good luck T,” Louise calls back as they hurry away. 

“He better bring out the puppets this time. I don’t go here to get a lecture  _ without _ puppets,” Gene says to Louise just before they’re inside and out of view.

“Good luck?” 

“It’s, uh… Nothing. This is for you.” Becky takes the bag, though she seems a bit confused. 

“I don’t think it’s my birthday, but this  _ is _ really pretty.”

“It’s not. Your birthday, I mean. It’s for uh… Read Across America Day.”

“Oh! I didn't know that was today. Does your family just really like it?” 

“No. I mean, Mom got into it yesterday but not for… Reading reasons… Just open the present, please.” 

Becky looks over at her, confused. She then nods and goes ahead and starts rummaging through the gift bag, though it’s a little awkward to do so standing on the sidewalk with nowhere to set things down or put excess tissue paper. Tina ends up holding both the present bag and the paper to be trashed as Becky gets to the wrapped book and starts to open it up. Tina stares at the ground for a moment, then just squeezes her eyes shut and waits. 

“Oh! A mermaid book. How did you know I liked mermaids?”

“I… Didn’t.”

“Lucky guess, then? Oh! A note? Mysterious.” Becky laughs, having a good time despite the obviously awkward situation. Or maybe she doesn’t know how awkward it is yet, Tina can’t tell. “Is it a treasure map? Or…” Her life is over, she should just hand Becky the bag then turn around and go home and lay on her bed until she dies. “Do I… Really remind you of mermaids? Like… Really?”

“You do. You have beachy waves and you wear pastel ocean colors all the time.”

“That’s so…”

“Creepy?”

“No! I mean. This whole thing is kind of awkward, but that’s fine. It’s sweet. It’s… I mean. We could definitely try a date.”

Tina opens her eyes and Becky is still looking down at her note and smiling sweetly. “We could?”

“Yeah! I mean, I hadn’t thought about it before. But you’re so much nicer to me than all the other people who tried to ask me out. Like, do you know Sophie Martinson, Peter Pescadero, _ and _ Tiny Peter all asked me within like… A week of Valentine’s day. So inconsiderate.”

“There’s a waiting period, you can’t just swoop in after someone gets dumped.”

“Exactly! But you took me in your girls’ night limo and didn’t accept when Jimmy Jr. offered to let you be his Valentine instead and ate lunch with me in the bathroom because I was still sad the next day.”

“Yeah but that’s… Just normal stuff to do.”

“It’s not! It’s super nice. And I want to go on a date with someone who is nice to me instead of just someone who wanted to ask me out because I got my braces off.”

“So you… Really want to go on a date with me?” 

“Yes, Tina. Though maybe not to Nicey Spicey, I heard they’re still trying to get the smell out of the carpet from your stink bombs.”

“We can go somewhere else! We can go anywhere,” Tina responds, talking too fast. Becky gives a little laugh and starts stuffing her presents back into the gift bag so she can carry it inside.

“Well, right now lets go to class. Homeroom starts in like… Three minutes.” 


End file.
